Introspection
by Pixie-Stories
Summary: Mac's thoughts after she leaves Harm and Mattie at the Wall in A Merry Little Christmas.


Title: Introspection  
  
Author: Pixie  
  
Email: Pixie4@charter.net  
  
Post-Episode: A Merry Little Christmas  
  
Rating: G   
  
Summary: Mac's thoughts after she leaves Harm and Mattie at the Wall in A Merry Little Christmas  
  
Disclaimers: I don't own the characters. Never have. Never will. If I did, they'd probably have a golden retriever and 2.5 kids by now.   
  
This one's not beta'd. You have been warned.   
  
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Mac drove around aimlessly for a long time after she left Harm and Mattie at the wall. This past week had turned everything she'd thought she'd known about Harmon Rabb, Junior on its ear. Sure, she'd known his penchant for taking on strays and lost souls. She'd seen his tendency to get obsessed about causes, especially when those causes involved children. But she'd never seen this softer side of him, and she wasn't sure what to make of it. When he had come to her and told her about his plans, she'd been shocked at first. Hell, she hadn't even believed him in the beginning. Then, when he'd flown off the handle at her for interrupting his explanations with her own frustrations, when he'd picked up his cover and walked out that door, she'd finally begun to have an inkling of how important this was to him - of how serious he was about taking on this unbelievable responsibility.  
  
Harm wanted to raise a teenager. And not just any teenager. From what she'd already seen, Mac knew Mattie was precocious, and independent, and not likely to take kindly to a firm disciplinary hand. Sweet as she seemed, she was also bright and strong-willed, and Mac knew that Harm would face many interesting challenges in the years to come. The million dollar question; the thing that kept chasing its tail inside her head, was this. How did she feel about these latest developments?  
  
When she'd entered that courtroom and seen the look on Harm's face, she'd been hurt to realize that Harm honestly doubted her. His expression had clearly indicated his belief that she had come there to shoot him down. She hadn't. She could never do that to him, but the fact that he'd believed she would had broken her heart. Had things between them really gotten so bad that he would doubt her? Apparently they had, and Mac had known that somehow she had to make things right.  
  
And so she had told the truth in that courtroom. She'd left herself wide open for more emotional pain by being completely honest with that judge. She had meant every word of what she'd said, but she couldn't bear to meet Harm's eyes afterwards for fear of what she'd find there.   
  
Later, she had walked out of the church in time to see Mattie walk away. She'd seen Harm's shoulders droop and known that Mattie was fighting tears, and all at once she'd realized that there was one more thing she could do for this man who meant so much to her. So it was with a determined stride that she approached Thomas Johnson and engaged him in one of the most important conversations of her life.   
  
When she had brought Mattie to the wall, and seen the expression on Harm's face, she'd known that she had done the right thing. She didn't really know Mattie yet, and she still didn't understand what had made this so important to Harm, but it was obvious that he was deeply grateful to her. She hadn't done it to earn his gratitude, though. She had only wanted to somehow make things right, to let Harm know that, as bad as things had gotten between them, she still believed in him, and she still cared.   
  
Mac had left them there, the strongest man she had ever known, and the young girl just getting ready to launch herself into the complicated world of adults. She wished them the best, and silently promised them that she would always be there if they needed her, but first, she had something she had to take care of. This week, Harm had proven to her that he'd grown up. He was ready to take on the responsibility of a family with all the sacrifice and pain - and joy - that this entailed. In taking this step, Harm was being true to something deep in his soul.   
  
Harm's actions forced Mac to acknowledge something that she'd been fighting ever since Paraguay. She'd been dating Clay for several months, and although he'd made it clear to her that he wanted a more serious relationship, she'd held back. At first, she'd told herself that she was still recovering from what had happened down there. Later... well, later she'd realized that the main reason she continued seeing Clay was because she knew it bugged Harm. She wasn't proud of the fact, but there it was. She had needed to put some distance between herself and Harm, and Webb had been a convenient way to do that. It wasn't fair, though. It wasn't fair to her, or to Harm, or most of all to sweet, kind Webb, who honestly thought he had a chance with her.   
  
Harm had grown up this week. He'd made a life changing decision, and in so doing, had finally left Neverland. Mac knew that it was her turn to grow up. Not because she hoped Harm would notice, because that wasn't the point. It was her turn, because it was the right thing to do. She needed to set Webb free, thereby freeing herself of the weighty blanket of guilt that she had worn for months.   
  
Resolutely, she turned her car in the direction of Webb's apartment. She switched on the radio, and the soothing sounds of Bing Crosby's White Christmas filled the air. Outside, it began to snow, but inside, it was warm and cozy. The small car's powerful engine carried it swiftly through the nearly deserted streets, and at the wheel, Mac began to sing. 


End file.
